My story of mental illness and trauma

I have struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember. 

My parents first noticed something wasn’t right when I was 5, but it was put down as anger and behavioural issues.

At the time, I didn’t know what mental health was, so I believed that there was just something wrong with me and my personality.

I didn’t have a happy childhood and by the time I was 10, I was having suicidal thoughts. I was regularly writing in my diary that I didn’t want to be alive anymore. 

I became more frustrated with myself as I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I believed that my family thought that I had chosen to be miserable and irritable so, in turn, I isolated myself as much as possible. 

I felt as if no one in the world understood me and I didn’t understand myself as much as I desperately wanted to. 

When I was 12, I became a victim of rape. This destroyed my relationship with myself and my sense of hope even more. By this point I had isolated myself so much from my family that I didn’t tell them or anyone else. 

As I began my teenage years, I remember crying on my bedroom floor telling my mum that I hated myself and didn’t want to be alive anymore. We went to the doctors and I explained how I was feeling, the advice was to write in a diary. I was already writing in a diary at the time and it had not helped me feel any better or like myself more. 

I tried to drown myself in the bath and overdose on painkillers. I couldn’t do it and my mind told me that I was useless, I couldn’t even take my life.

The next few years I struggled to live with myself and my thoughts but was convinced that there was no other option but to accept it. I started to self-medicate with weed and food.

Then my Nan passed away, who was my best friend, I was at the lowest that I had ever been before. 

I finally realised that I needed to get help before it’s too late. 

By this point, I had begun to hear and learn more about mental health conditions. I started to do as much research into it as possible and started to read self-help books (a lot of them!).

I self-referred myself to Talking Therapies on the NHS. I was offered 8-weeks of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety, and was told that the therapy I needed was psychodynamic therapy, which they couldn’t offer me.

I went privately for this therapy and was recommended to a psychotherapist and psychiatrist. I saw them on a weekly basis for almost a year, I felt better but still not 100%. I was still binge eating and smoking weed. I had always been against antidepressants as I felt they would just mask the problem but I now wanted to give them a try as I felt that I had exhausted every avenue. Luckily, within a week of taking the antidepressants I felt happier. 

A year or so later, I went for therapy for my binge eating and was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder.

I started to gain weight, whether that was a side effect of binge eating, the antidepressants or because I was more relaxed in myself, my confidence started to drop again. 

I was having big mood swings again, I started to think there was more at play than my original diagnosis of clinical depression and anxiety. I also realised that I was addicted to weed. No matter how many times I tried to stop, I couldn’t. 

I was beginning to ruin my life and push those closest to me away. I decided that I needed to go to rehab so I could finally stop. Whilst in rehab, I had therapy daily. One of my therapists noticed my mood swings and how quickly my mood could change. I was later diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and my medication has changed.

I feel like I am on the right path. Of course there are days when I still struggle and will most likely always have these days. It would be unrealistic of me to think otherwise. But I make progress managing it everyday.

Nonetheless, getting to this stage has taken me well over a decade.

The difference is that I now have the understanding, self-awareness and tools to help me through the dark days, to improve my mental health and spark hope. I realise now that I am normal, I’m not alone and that the ‘black cloud’ will eventually pass.

Out of all of the therapy and medication, I strongly believe that starting my self-help journey, developing my understanding of mental illness and building my self-awareness has been the most effective tool in improving my mental health. 

My goal is to support and empower as many people as possible who are struggling with their mental health, through providing tools, guidance and coaching.

If you are struggling with your mental health, please know that you are not alone, you are normal and you can find happiness.