How to overcome self doubt and step into self worth
In today’s blog I am joined by Claire Cutmore who is a Self Worth Coach.
Claire provides amazing insight into where our fears and self doubts may come from and, most importantly, how we can begin to move away from them and step into our confidence.
Hi Claire, please could you introduce yourself?
Hi, I am Claire, and I am a certified Transformation coach and Human Design reader.
In 2016 I came to a time in my life where I didn't feel the happiness and satisfaction I 'should have' for everything I actually had in life. I had a deep empty feeling of lack, best described as lack of meaning/ purpose.
Assuming that work was the issue, I began a journey to find my next steps in life, but as a result found SO much more. Work wasn't the issue, just a consequence. The issue was my lack of worth in myself and being out of alignment to who I actually was. I honestly hadn't thought that self worth was an issue for me, however it became clear very quickly how little I valued what I gave to the world, and my lack of trust and belief in myself led to me always saying no to my desires - for fear of failure, not being good enough, or worrying what others would think.
Looking back I realised I had been holding myself back for so long, and had been out of alignment of my fullest potential. I spent the next years removing all the layers I had built up that were not me, and started to live as the authentic person I was, bringing happiness, fulfilment, ease and success as a result.
I now support women going through similar times in their life. I help them see the value of who they are and get them back in to alignment with their real authentic selves so they can live with much more ease and joy. I challenge them out of their comfort zone and the beliefs they hold on to that don't serve them, help them see their blind spots and I open them up to a world of possibility. My journey allowed me to find my purpose, gave me an excitement for life, massively improved my relationships with myself and those around me and allowed me to stop playing small and start saying yes to myself. What this journey working with me could do for you could be whatever you desire.
This sounds like an incredible transformation! Where do you think our self doubt and holding ourselves back comes from?
Self doubt can come from almost anything. Our experiences in life that didn't go as we would have liked, the beliefs others put on us from their experiences, the expectations and pressure we put on ourselves to succeed, and also from the comparison of anyone and everyone around us (whether we know them or not).
These memories and doubts remain at the back of our mind, so any time there is a possibility one may come up we can find ourselves going down the rabbit hole of self doubt. This can be anything from overthinking, becoming a perfectionist and not allowing ourselves to either start or finish something, comparing ourselves to those around us or simply replaying past memories or creating fictional stories to what might happen next.
A lot of self doubt comes from the fear of the unknown. Unknown of what could happen and unknown of how we would handle it. Both things that only the experience itself will be able to show us.
So how can we let go of our self doubt?
There are many things we can do to reduce self doubt, but it would be unrealistic to think that we can ever fully let go of it. More than anything, because it may come up whenever we try something new or we look to level up.
We however can build trust in ourselves, that no matter what the situation we can trust we will be ok.
Some simple ways to start to let go of this doubt would be:
To recognise where the doubt is coming from. Underneath all doubt there will be a fear that we are worried about coming true. As soon as we identify the real cause of the doubt we often realise how unlikely the fear coming true actually is. This alone can shrink doubt considerably. If however that hasn't helped, we can start to look at what the worst case scenario would be, and what a back up plan would look like should it happen. Having that support of knowing you can get past even your greatest fear is very reassuring.
To lower our expectations. Even better than that, let go of the need for a certain result. We are known to put such high expectations on ourselves, often coming from a form of perfectionism, and as a result this has made us never feel good enough, even when we achieve fantastic results. As we can never be certain on how something will go, and also we will never actually know the possibility of outcomes available and which is best for us, it becomes a lot easier if we can instead work towards an intention opposed to an outcome. What is it you are intending on getting out of this? How would you like to feel at the end? By having a less fixed result in mind it will allow you to appreciate any level of outcome and this will also certainly lower the pressure.
To get used to trusting yourself. Trust and confidence are muscles and only come about with practise. Practise could be anything from building experience by trying new things, learning to trust your intuition or keeping promises you make to yourself. (we are very good at keeping promises to others but not as good with ourselves) When we can build examples of trying new things that went well, showing up when you say you will and allowing ourselves to make decisions that feel energetically correct to us, rather than relying on others for feedback or insight, this will support us in having trust in ourselves in times we need it most. This can all start very small, as simple as deciding what to have for dinner, to trying a new exercise class.
I love these tips and I think self-awareness is so powerful. Do you think our self doubt is connected to our self worth and confidence?
Yes, they are definitely all connected.
Self doubt is the opposite of confidence and when we have doubt in ourselves and our own ability this may put us off doing something or can make us over compensate because we don't believe we are good enough. By having confidence it will mean that we believe in ourselves and our ability to some degree. This will normally be built through trying and consistently improving a skill.
Self worth is how worthy and valuable we believe ourselves to be, and will often be a big cause of our self doubt/confidence, but is not the only cause. When we have low self worth it will often mean that we are always trying to prove our worth to ourselves or others, and again this can be overcompensating or attaching ourselves to others for constant recognition - which when we don't constantly get it from others can make our self worth worse. Although over time our confidence may increase and our self doubt decrease, for some this may not change how they value themselves.
Do you think we can improve our self worth and confidence?
The more we can understand that we are all worthy and have nothing to prove to anyone, along with learning how to recognise ourselves without the need for external approval, we can slowly start to work on our own worth.
Starting with confidence, as mentioned before this is more of a result of practise. Everyone will have things they feel confident at doing, and things they don't. Lets take eating for example - you will likely be confident in how to use a knife and fork, but that doesn't mean you will feel confident at public speaking. You eat daily and have done so your whole life, so this has had a lot of practise, yet public speaking is not something many of us will have had much experience in at all.
It is good to remember that we don't need to be good or confident at everything, and as a beginner we will always be lacking confidence in what we are doing. If we can take away the expectation that we need to be perfect straight away, this will make life a lot easier for us. Like a baby who isn't confident with using a knife and fork, they have not been conditioned to worry about what people think of them (yet), so they have no care in the world of where the food ends up, or how they get on with eating - yet we all find them adorable. The more practise they have, the easier it will be. There are ways to build up confidence in a way that is more comfortable for us, so look for small steps - for public speaking anything from practising speaking in the mirror, then to family etc. The worst thing for us to do, but something we do so often, is compare ourselves to those that have experience. Of course we won't be as good as someone experienced to begin with, but it doesn't mean we can't be. They were all beginner at one time too.
With self worth, my biggest tip is to try to lose labels. We have got in to such a way that we can identify anything in life as good or bad, but ultimately that label is all down to perspective. Anything in life will have a light and shadow side to it, and so when we start to label ourselves in a negative way (which is often the biggest cause to low self worth) we need to remember that it all has a light side too. So start by looking out for these negative things you are saying to or about yourself, and look for the good side in that too. What that trait allows you to do. An example for me used to be that I wanted more than anything to be more extravert. I wanted to be bubbly and for people to think I was 'fun' (not that this is what extravert means but they are the labels I had put on it), and I started off resenting everything to do with being introvert. Now however I can see how being introvert is so great. It means I like time alone and having more 1:1 conversations - which I do more than anything. It also means I am naturally more of a listener, and actually I love to hear about the lives of those around me.
I love that reminder that we don’t have to be confident at everything. How can we release all these fears to become the person we want to be and pursue the life we want?
I love this question, however my answer may not be what is expected.
I don't believe we should be trying to get rid of our fears and doubts. I think when used well they can be a great guide/tool for us. Fears and doubts are often disguised messages to us that something is up, or that there is something that we really desire. When we don't fear something at all, even the slightest bit, it can often be because we don't care about the outcome/ that there isn't a risk. Instead we need to know how to understand and be wise to our fears, recognise them, and then move forward.
I work on fears a lot of with clients through coaching and human design as there is so much we can work on, but to begin with I simply recommend becoming aware of what our fears are. Acknowledge them, seek to understand what they are trying to tell us, and think about the consequences of doing vs not doing. The next step would be to start thinking about what is most important to you in life, and the areas in your life that you want to change. Once you can get clear on what your priorities are it becomes easier to start separating the fears that are worth overcoming, and those that are consuming you with no real benefit in overcoming.
I love that reframe, that if we tune into our fears and doubts, we can use them as a guide. How can we stay in touch with you?
My website is www.clairecutmore.com and you can find me on Instagram @claire_cutmore.