My Mental Health Journey
Looking back, I have struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember.
I remember having dark thoughts since I was a little girl, in fact I still have my childhood diary which makes for a sad read. My family and those close to me thought that I was a difficult child with anger problems, I remember my parents taking me to see a medical herbalist around the age of 8 to see whether that would help me. Unfortunately, this did not help.
As the years went by I became more frustrated with myself as I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I believed that my family thought that I had chosen to be miserable and irritable so, in turn, I isolated myself as much as possible.
I felt as if no one in the world understood me, and on reflection, I don’t think myself or my family did at this point.
As I began my teenage years, I recall crying on my bedroom floor telling my mum that I hate myself and didn’t want to be alive anymore. We went to the doctors and I explained how I was feeling, the advice was to write in a diary. I was already writing in a diary at the time and it had not helped me feel any better or like myself more. The next few years I struggled to live with myself and my thoughts but was convinced that there was no other option but to accept it.
As I got older I began to hear and learn more about mental health conditions. I started to wonder whether there was a chance that I didn’t have a personality problem and that perhaps I could have a mental health condition. After the death of my beloved grandma, I was in a worse mental space than I had ever been before.
I finally realised that I needed to get help before I self-sabotaged or attempted to end my life.
I self-referred myself to Talking Therapies with a psychotherapist who recommended that I undergo Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Psychodynamic Psychotherapy. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. The NHS could only offer me 8 sessions on a weekly basis, once those sessions were finished I was told that I needed to seek further help privately.
I found another psychotherapist and psychiatrist privately that I saw on a weekly basis for almost a year, I felt better but still not 100%. I had always been against antidepressants as I felt they would just mask the problem but I now wanted to give them a try. Luckily, within a week of taking the antidepressants I became more content than I have ever felt. I am delighted to say that it has been an upwards journey ever since.
Nonetheless, this process took me well over a decade and is still something that I have to work on most days.
The difference is that I know realise that the ‘black cloud’ will eventually pass and that there are tools and techniques out there that can help.
My goal is for people suffering with poor mental health, whether it is for a day or long-term, to know that they are not alone, they are normal and there is help out there that they can access. Through Balance Life Well, I aim to spread mental health awareness and self-help tools to as many people as possible.